Letters for an old mentee

My last year in grad school a high school student started doing volunteer work for my lab. She was a senior trying to get some lab experience and trying to see if the field was a fit for her. She would get out of high school an hour early three times a week to come by the lab. My advisor assigned her to me to find work for her to do.

I trained her in a project that wasn't going in my dissertation, but was necessary to get grants based on my project when I left. (Side note-I did this because I'm a good human being. My dissertation was done, and I stuck around because I still had funding and wanted to make sure my papers were out and the project was in a place where someone could continue it. I owed that much. Even though I had a job lined up, I was willing to hang around an extra 6 months. Students out there, respect your mentors and do the same because what goes around will inevitably come around).  Now, back to the student:

After talking with this student several times, it became pretty obvious how smart she was. Not just for a high school student, but for a junior level undergrad. This made sense given the amount of AP credits she was coming in with. She had very advanced math and physics skills, and she picked up the biology very quickly.  But what struck me were her critical thinking skills, he willingness to do work, her personality, and her maturity. I felt like I was talking to a 23 year old, not a 17 year old. I knew that I had to make sure that she stayed on the correct course for success. I had to make sure that she not only picked STEMs (preferably something that required math...not just bio).  So I put in extra effort with her since she was undecided and I didn't want to drive her away from the field. I turned on the charm, made everything sound amazingly cool, and made sure she thought she was smart and doing well (which she was).  I put in more effort than usual because she was undecided; when student already have a major and have dedicated a lot of time to it, I don't have to put in as much effort, and it's draining to act that pumped up about the research all the time. 

On top of all of this, she was always punctual, never fell behind in topics, and never procrastinated. She managed to manage friends, family, schoolwork, a waitress job, lab work, hobbies, and sports without an issue. After I left grad school we kept in touch for many reasons, part of which was that she needed letters of recommendation. Also, she had become a little sister of sorts, coming to me for advice or just to joke around. 

Her first year in school she started to sway from engineering because of the introductory engineering courses where you learn teamwork and do crappy projects. I'm a professional engineer and I haven't used one skill from that stupid freshman engineering class. Anyways, she still stuck with STEMs, just moved a little more towards a combination of the physical sciences, math, and biology; no more formal engineering education. I'm glad she stuck with STEMs though.  Her second year she was still with it and maintained a 4.0 while getting miscellaneous lab experience and scholarships. This whole time I put in my effort to give her whatever support she wanted. This is something I've done with every student so far, however, there's more of a personal connection with this one (she's like my little sister!).

So she texted me asking me to submit a last second application for an internship. She knows I don't mind last second stuff since the letter is pretty similar for each app but I asked her why she waited so long.  She said relationship issues were getting in the way. 

She has been in three serious relationships in her life, and since I've been a little more around the block I usually give her advice. Sometimes she will give me questions about balancing her personal and professional lives and most of the time she's been able to work through it: not sacrificing her personal life for professional happiness, but correspondingly not letting her personal problems ruin her professional life. This time, her personal problems have gotten in the way. She's a young girl in love with a boyfriend of 6 months and she's spending a lot of time with him and letting any drama get to her. 

I got the letter in with plenty of time but she didn't even start her essays until the due date. Now, I'm a huge fan of work-life balance. I preach it all the time, but I'm starting to get worried that she'll make dumb mistakes that will make her future career more difficult. This has happened before where the students have failed out or struggled to the point where it will be difficult to get a good career, and it kills me each time. This time will be infinitely worse since I've become more attached to this particular student. It's the eternal tug-of-war between you personal and professional lives. I always chose not to let them fight and compartmentalize (I hate that word) my personal and professional lives it's very rare for one life to encroach on the other and I try to dedicate as much time as I can to either one. It's like having two kids.

I've been honest with her and she totally agreed with me because she's smart and reasonable. However, emotions will sometimes take over regardless of how together her head is. I've done dumb things for love, but I've worked very hard to train myself in separating these lives. Maybe I'm just being an overprotective older sibling, but I truly do care about these students.  I guess all I can do is let them make mistakes and be here if they fail...

Letter solicitation

"Solicitation isn't good because it will land you in jail"

That's the quote I got from a friend when mentioning that my referrers (referees?) have been getting solicited for letters of recommendation. 

I applied to a crapload of schools. I mean, a lot, a shitton...a bunch. I did this to hedge my bets.  In industry (and probably other places) we call it 'minimizing risk'.  I figured a small portion would be contacting me, so I needed to apply to a ton to maximize my chances. It turns out that when several schools are interested in you, they will all email those on your List of References. And those references have to tailor the letter to each school. I'd imagine it's time-consuming so I feel kind of bad. Should I feel bad? My spouse says no because these people want to see me succeed. But I know I would be peeved if I was getting new requests every week to put out letters of recommendation.  When I write letters for people it is time-consuming, and getting ten requests from different schools would tax every last bit of patience have.  And I'm not sure if they're going to get more.  The applications were due three weeks ago, and I thought letter requests wouldn't go out until December at the earliest.  I have no idea about timescale for these things.

I'm not 100% sure of whether asking for letters is a good thing or just a formality, or what percentage of applicants get pushed to the letter stage, but I'm feeling optimistic. I don't want to get all bundled in a warm blanket of hope only to get it ripped away, leaving me exposed to the elements, but dang-it, I'm going to get excited!  Or maybe I won't. There's nothing I can do about this but sit on my butt, since my advisor said it's bad practice to email the committee just to check up on things. This is really different than the industry job search, where I cyber-stalked my way to multiple job offers.

The only thing now, is what's the best way to show my appreciation to my references for writing all these letters?