Life's been nuts!

I saw my old advisor recently and he was very excited about the summer: two conferences, no teaching, all the students spending most of their time on the lab, etc. He said he gets more free time for whatever he wants. I would love that. 

My schedule has been absolutely crazy as of late. I try to keep a few short term goals for every couple months. My current goals include finishing four projects, and trying these out in animals by June 1.  We're on track, but we still have to do bench testing. So I've been working with my techs to get these done so I can try these out ex vivo. This is coupled with some big corporate meetings that are taking a lot of my time. But more importantly, I'm also prepping for conference travels. These are conferences to start building my academic reputation. I can't present work, but I can show up as an industry representative, take professors out for dinner and drinks on the corporate card (their students will have to come to make it a recruiting expense...otherwise it's just stealing money), and talk starting up my own lab. I want to get this kind of research out of the way so as soon as I get there I can start getting equipment. My plan is to go out there a year from now to start recruiting students and finding a house. 

So I've been doing a lot of research at home, started on grants, and even started spewing out exactly the equipment I want to buy. This has been in my off-time, which there isn't much because of these devices I want to get out before I close-up-shop. I also want to really show leadership how I got stuff done, and that they would be stupid not to fund my academic lab. 

So during the day I'm doing R&D, planning studies, traveling, and reporting results. At night I write, read, and plan for my future life (this is in addition to donning a cape a mask for all the crime fighting at night).  I know that the less I plan for now, the more hectic life will be when I'm trying I find a house and set up my lab come next summer.  Too darn busy. 

So while my advisor is relaxing in the tower, I'm preparing to visit the tower while also working in the fields. Part of me wants to just delay all the academic stuff until I start, but I don't want to screw over future-Phindustry. 

This is all packed on top of several social obligations that have arisen recently (weddings, dinners, game-nights, etc). I rely heavily on friends for support. And so I spread myself thinner to ensure friends (and spouse) don't feel ignored. Honestly, these are the only people I care about disappointing. And so I type these blog entries when I'm in public and it's too noisy to get work done. It's the only 'alone' time I have to decompress from obligations.  I don't know how the hyper busy people manage their lives. Do they let something slide?  

My boss is technically a senior citizen and never been married. And I never hear him talking about friends. My fear is that I'll eventually slip into his mindset and be devoid of the things I find most fun in life because I'm too focused on ensuring the career is taken care of. I don't have kids but I liken it to having multiple kids. If you spend too much time on one, the others will fall behind on parental influence. I want a well-rounded family but I find that 24 hours in a day just isn't enough right now. 

Family chaos and boredom

I don't know why, but I really don't care about seeing family. I know I should, and I have fun, but part of me (the biggest part) just doesn't care. I love socializing, but every year I'm reminded how little I have in common with my direct and extended family. Maybe because I've been off on my own since I was 17 I didn't develop mutual interests with my family. I'm also the only STEMer from my liberal arts family on my side, and my blue-collar hands-on working family on my spouse's side. But I'm not sure that's it, because most of my friends are non-STEM.  I kind of have this same issue professionally, I'm pretty quick to make friends (I usually develop a set of dependable friends within a month of living somewhere), but they end up being the more detached-from-their-work personalities. We never talk about work when we're together (which makes meetings very difficult) and despise talking work when it's not necessary. I love the work, although not as much as I love open-ended research.

My spouse thinks it's because everyone around us having kids so their interests and conversational direction tends to lean towards kids. Since I don't have them and I'm not yet interested, it's tough to get involved. To me, family just makes it loud and overcrowded. Loud commotion, tons of competing mini-conversations, lots of drinking. It's like a bar...if bars had kids with new toys running chaotically all over the place. I also think I get bored when I visit because there's not much to do in the small cities my spouse and I grew up in. I'm sitting on my phone while everyone is just watching TV or napping.  I'll be heading back to Major City, USA tomorrow and probably end up missing family. This whole situation is very difficult to comprehend how I feel, and I can't wait for the next holiday season. 

Working your own hours

I remember reading a quote once from a professor who said, "I love that I can make my own schedule in academics. I can work 80 hours a week, any time that I want."

I agree with this principle tremendously. Who cares when or how long you work as long as you get your work done?  Some cultures have a work-til-you drop mentality, where I'm supposed to spend 100 hours a week working, and you're put on a pedestal if you do so. Most medical device companies are like this. And I am not. 

When I'm on my death bed I'm 100% certain that I won't be wishing I spent more time at work. Or reminiscing about what I did while in the lab (except for the fun conversations and screwing around). Untimately, for most us, our impact will be mostly nothing: our work to sit in the Annals of Crazyfield or Society of Upturned Noses Letters getting cited every once in a while. My current work is sitting in patents and products that are actually saving peoples' lives, and making stockholders rich. The products will go down in history, but my name will be forgotten. Now, some scientists and engineers reach great heights, but to reach great heights in specialized fields causes great personal sacrifice. I can't imagine the sacrifice for the rock-stars like Bob Langer at MIT. However, as he's stated, it's a labor of love. A hobbie. I really really love spending all my time with friends and family and hobbies. And even though my work is awesomely fun, it's still not as fun as the things I do outside of work. 

My mentality might be grim, but life is way too short to spend all of it working. If that's what's fun for you, then fine, but I choose to be reminiscing with family and friends, instead of spending Thankgivukkah alone. When I accepted my industry position, my old advisor said something like, "you only get 10 days of vacation?!?".  The minimal vacation time is alright, but making my own hours is the thing I miss the most. If I feel like taking a long lunch to recharge my batteries before the afternoon then I should be able to. And for some reason, every single person that's overworked seems like a total douchebag, and not someone I strive to be. Even if they are leading the company. 

I brought this up with my former advisor and he said not to mention that in any interviews (haha, ME getting interviews), or it'll look like I'm lazy. I don't think it's possible, but there must be a way to prove that you don't have to be addicted to work to be successful.