Self-doubt and the impostor syndrome

In my pre-biomed days I was an engineering physicist at a major national laboratory.  I was involved in projects ranging from star wars-type projects to using lasers to destroy stuff (including biological stuff...hence part of my interest in biomed...on that note, I got an email asking about my background...thinking of making a post about this...).  Some of the coolest stuff I liked to work on was related to astronomy stuff.  I have always been obsessed with space and I still keep up to date on astronomy.  My BS and MS in physics help out with understanding astronomy.  I was looking for something related to 2014J, and this article was linked:

http://www.nature.com/naturejobs/science/articles/10.1038/nj7280-574a

This link was linked from that one:

http://www.nature.com/naturejobs/science/articles/10.1038/nj7245-468a

It's about feeling like you're not good enough when you are.  I'm not going to go into my demographic because I love secrecy (sex, race, etc.), but the impostor syndrome is very relevant.  Since I entered the science world, I constantly have to prove myself, whereas it seems other people of different backgrounds get the assumption that they know what they're talking about.  I feel like I'm constantly being challenged heavily.  I know I belong wherever I go because my publications, presentations, products, and patents speak for themselves.  I know I have the talent to do crazy things, but I often feel bullied, resulting in losses of confidence.  I've developed pretty thick-skin, starting at my national lab days.  Nothing will turn me away, and since I love to argue, I will always fight.  I really do get off on this fighting.  But I can see how people (especially women or minorities) could get turned away from the field because of this.

This is part of the reason I choose to listen to everyone.  I take everyone's opinion under consideration, since I don't want them to feel less valued and potentially turn them away.  I'm very proud of my mentorship track record.  Every student/tech/engineer I've been involved in mentorship with has stayed in the field.  And ~80% of these people are women.

Being in the midst of the academic search makes this article resonate even stronger. I know I'm good enough for a good academic post, but the fact that my top schools haven't called makes me wonder if I'm just an impostor.  My documents are solid, or so says the 10 profs that have reviewed it from multiple universities.  And these are brutally honest profs.  I'm good enough to perform well in my niche field, but I feel that I just don't know enough, or maybe I can't argue that well anymore.  I sometimes I feel I got to where I am, not because of my skills, but because of other extraneous factors.  I feel that I definitely don't argue as well anymore because I find myself losing more arguments...I feel like I'm losing steam...like all the years of constantly being on the defensive (and subsequent offensive) more than the average person has been wrecking my brain.

The impostor syndrome is tricky because younger scientists don't know exactly if they're not good enough.  We have metrics like grades, but once we're on teams or on the job, I often wonder, am I in this position because the company has to fill out some kind of statistic, or is it because I'm actually good enough.  I think I'm good enough, but we have to be more cognizant of times when we've all felt a little inadequate (there's an impotence joke somewhere in here...I just can't seem to find it).  We need to remember that we've all had self-doubt, why should we feed into it more.  The article says to just remind yourself how you're not lucky, you're talented.  But this is so much easier said than done.

I hate Windows!!!!!

Since I was in high school I've used Mac or Linux OSs. I used Windows for some simulation work in grad school, but that was the only time. Even then, I used a Mac to post-process the results from the simulation. In the past few years I've had to use Windows.  And an old version of Windows, at that. It's a company mandated thing since they can control data flow and security in Windows. To me, Windows is slow and clunky. I can use it, and I use it better than most of my Windows-for-life colleagues but it seems like there's always something slowing it down or screwing it up. Hopefully, too few people read this blog to start an OS flame war.  I just hate being forced to use this system.

In grad school I had freedom in my OS choice with the exception of Windows-specific programs (of which, there weren't many).  The first thing I'll do when switching careers is stop using Windows at all. And if a program necessitates Windows, I'll stop using the program. There are other (digital) fish in the sea.  Again, this is just my experience. I don't have a preference for Apple, Microsoft, Open Source. I have a preference for things that work. And actually, Apple's new OS has made it so I can't use some of my own programs. And it's a little slow with more crashes since the update than all past updates I had combined. So I may have to start sticking with Linux. 

I just can't stand another random error message, waiting for my computer to do things, or a blue screen. Grrrr.

Letters for an old mentee

My last year in grad school a high school student started doing volunteer work for my lab. She was a senior trying to get some lab experience and trying to see if the field was a fit for her. She would get out of high school an hour early three times a week to come by the lab. My advisor assigned her to me to find work for her to do.

I trained her in a project that wasn't going in my dissertation, but was necessary to get grants based on my project when I left. (Side note-I did this because I'm a good human being. My dissertation was done, and I stuck around because I still had funding and wanted to make sure my papers were out and the project was in a place where someone could continue it. I owed that much. Even though I had a job lined up, I was willing to hang around an extra 6 months. Students out there, respect your mentors and do the same because what goes around will inevitably come around).  Now, back to the student:

After talking with this student several times, it became pretty obvious how smart she was. Not just for a high school student, but for a junior level undergrad. This made sense given the amount of AP credits she was coming in with. She had very advanced math and physics skills, and she picked up the biology very quickly.  But what struck me were her critical thinking skills, he willingness to do work, her personality, and her maturity. I felt like I was talking to a 23 year old, not a 17 year old. I knew that I had to make sure that she stayed on the correct course for success. I had to make sure that she not only picked STEMs (preferably something that required math...not just bio).  So I put in extra effort with her since she was undecided and I didn't want to drive her away from the field. I turned on the charm, made everything sound amazingly cool, and made sure she thought she was smart and doing well (which she was).  I put in more effort than usual because she was undecided; when student already have a major and have dedicated a lot of time to it, I don't have to put in as much effort, and it's draining to act that pumped up about the research all the time. 

On top of all of this, she was always punctual, never fell behind in topics, and never procrastinated. She managed to manage friends, family, schoolwork, a waitress job, lab work, hobbies, and sports without an issue. After I left grad school we kept in touch for many reasons, part of which was that she needed letters of recommendation. Also, she had become a little sister of sorts, coming to me for advice or just to joke around. 

Her first year in school she started to sway from engineering because of the introductory engineering courses where you learn teamwork and do crappy projects. I'm a professional engineer and I haven't used one skill from that stupid freshman engineering class. Anyways, she still stuck with STEMs, just moved a little more towards a combination of the physical sciences, math, and biology; no more formal engineering education. I'm glad she stuck with STEMs though.  Her second year she was still with it and maintained a 4.0 while getting miscellaneous lab experience and scholarships. This whole time I put in my effort to give her whatever support she wanted. This is something I've done with every student so far, however, there's more of a personal connection with this one (she's like my little sister!).

So she texted me asking me to submit a last second application for an internship. She knows I don't mind last second stuff since the letter is pretty similar for each app but I asked her why she waited so long.  She said relationship issues were getting in the way. 

She has been in three serious relationships in her life, and since I've been a little more around the block I usually give her advice. Sometimes she will give me questions about balancing her personal and professional lives and most of the time she's been able to work through it: not sacrificing her personal life for professional happiness, but correspondingly not letting her personal problems ruin her professional life. This time, her personal problems have gotten in the way. She's a young girl in love with a boyfriend of 6 months and she's spending a lot of time with him and letting any drama get to her. 

I got the letter in with plenty of time but she didn't even start her essays until the due date. Now, I'm a huge fan of work-life balance. I preach it all the time, but I'm starting to get worried that she'll make dumb mistakes that will make her future career more difficult. This has happened before where the students have failed out or struggled to the point where it will be difficult to get a good career, and it kills me each time. This time will be infinitely worse since I've become more attached to this particular student. It's the eternal tug-of-war between you personal and professional lives. I always chose not to let them fight and compartmentalize (I hate that word) my personal and professional lives it's very rare for one life to encroach on the other and I try to dedicate as much time as I can to either one. It's like having two kids.

I've been honest with her and she totally agreed with me because she's smart and reasonable. However, emotions will sometimes take over regardless of how together her head is. I've done dumb things for love, but I've worked very hard to train myself in separating these lives. Maybe I'm just being an overprotective older sibling, but I truly do care about these students.  I guess all I can do is let them make mistakes and be here if they fail...

Teaching where you learned

My little brother's kid just had his 1 year birthday. In my home country (my family migrated when I was a kid), the one year birthday is a big deal. I know it's like this in a lot of countries, and like in many other countries, we have a large feast the kid doesn't know anything about or remember. I would love to be closer to my nephew because I love kids, but can't be because of distance. They live in my old college town (OCT...I know OCT has other meanings in the biomed world, but let's just pretend it means Old College Town) and I live...away.

My younger brother is a screw up.  He started to get his life more together the past few years, but he's still got a lot of growing up to do. I love mentoring kids (part of why I want to get back into academia), and I'm concerned this kid won't grow up to greatness because of his parents. So I fly down pretty frequently on weekends (a 2hr flight). I wish I could see them more, but it's not possible. If only I could find a job in OCT.

Oh wait! A faculty posting just popped up at OCT University! The search head has said my application would be very strong, but I heard it's bad to become a faculty at your PhD school. Is this true? Why? A friend of mine that did her BS, MS, and PhD from the school she's a assoc prof and said it's because reviewers see it as you can't separate from your advisor.  She had to really reach out of her school to make sure she could prove her independence. Not sure if that's the actual reason-just what she told me.

My brother will be graduating with his BS soon and he's looking for a job in two places: OCT and City I Have an Interview at for TT Job. I'm going to do what's best for me and hope my minor involvement will help keep the kid on the  righteous path. But, I wouldn't mind working in OCT. It's my favorite city ever. 

Anonymous comments and policing research

I'm a big fan of anonymous posts and comments. Like tenure: it (mostly) absolves you from the consequences of your written actions. I posted anonymously for the past few years before creating this blog, but I try to attach my blogdenity (blog identity) now since my blogdenity is still anonymous.

This got me thinking about this anonymous corporate reporting program my company started. It's a worldwide program where if you hear something suspicious (like a product not working like it's supposed to), even if it's from someone in the street that uses one of our products, we have to report it. It's supposedly anonymous, and I reported something I found scientifically unsettling. It doesn't involve a product directly, but a method of validation for early stage products.  My manager approached me today to ask me about this, since it couldn't have came from too many sources. I said "yup", knowing that he can't do anything about it. Nothing has been done to me, and nothing has changed in the science. Side note-part of me attributes this to BS science. Not bullshit, but Bachelor of Science. It's cheaper to high people with BSs most of the time, so the quality of science isn't that great. In grad school we're trained on properly designing experiments, processing data, and documentation. These BS level engineers are trained in the basics of science and the details of implementation of principles to design. They're not capable scientists without further training. Anyways...

In industry there are several levels to police the company, but self-policing is rare because of the money on the line. Although you would think there'd be more self-policing because of the lives on the line in the medical industrial setting. In academia, there seems to be a communal policing method, with researchers calling out one another, and new programs being created to catch falsified information. I pitched the idea of communal policing at a conference at the FDA, where one company would review anothers' FDA filings.  The review company would naturally want to scrutinize the data to prevent the filing company from releasing a successful product. At this point everything's moving to public information like patents so there's nothing to hide. I know that the reviewing company will probably make stuff up, so there will need to be oversight from the FDA, but damnit, I think it's a good idea. 

Thanks for the rejection

I'm not being sarcastic at all when I wrote that title.   I got a rejection email today, and it got me thinking about how courteous a timely rejection email is.

I've been involved in the hiring of 12 people so far at my company in the past few years: 6 for my direct group, and 6 for other groups. We have committee-based hiring at my company, so in essence, I've chaired 6 committees and served as a regular member on 6. These positions ranged from techs to higher level scingineers with salaries ranging from $50k to $150k.

We get around ~200 applications for any given position, the recruiter narrows it down to ~30 for us and we start narrowing down further. At this point, we phone interview between 5 and 10 of them. We invite between 3 and 6 for on-sites. 

Once I've talked with a candidate, even on the phone, there's a more personal connection. The person has my email; knows my name. So if they don't move on to the next stage of hiring after an interview, I kindly call or email them with a message saying that they're no longer being considered. An automated email will suffice for those that didn't even make the first cut, but someone that takes time out of their life to interview with me over the phone or come out to my lab deserves the common decency of a rejection email. It allows them to stop thinking about it and move on. Ripping off the Band-Aid, if you will. 

I have much more kind thoughts from a company/school that tells me ASAP that they don't want me, rather than not hearing from someone too chicken to tell someone on their short-list they didn't make the next cut. It's common courtesy.   I do it even though I'm just as busy (if not more busy...at least from my conversations with my old advisors) than most academics. With 10 candidates to email it should take no more than an hour. Even if it means I'm typing from home. But maybe I'm the only one that believes in this courtesy.

For those paying attention to the count, I've accepted a couple more phone interviews and I'm waiting to hear back.

Outright Rejections (their loss): 11/29
Phone/Skype interviews offered: 14
Phone/Skype interviews accepted: 8
1st campus visits offered: 5
1st campus visits accepted: 2 (although I'm still waiting to hear back after I accepted)
2nd campus visits offered: 0
2nd campus visits accepted: 0
Offers: 0